A year ago today I pulled away from my old driveway in Durango with tears welled in my eyes and a feathered lightness in my heart. I didn't know that morning that that day was the beginning of what was to be a slow, gruesome unraveling of my heart, and also the road to a different life. Not better (or worse) just different.
This came up when I was standing on the sidewalk last night drinking coffee with a new friend, talking about our mutual (and quite possibly alarming) peanut butter addition, Scarlett Johansson's extreme hotness, tourists, shaved ice, and New Years. I hadn't told anyone this, but after listening to him explain his disbelief and disapproval of the celebration of New Years, I admitted that this year my New Years is actually in June. June 9th to be exact. I can't get over the fact that it's been a year since that day last summer that I left town, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the last 48 hours. I think that's why this Thursday night, when I should have been asleep, I was wide awake feeling like I could either go for a run, or cry. I needed a release. So, being that it was almost 1:00 AM - I cried. I didn't know why at the time this was happening, but it felt good. I think it's also why I've had this unstoppable urge lately to paint everything in my house white. It's partly to make my tiny living space feel brighter and bigger, but it didn't occur to me until yesterday that it subconsciously has to do with needing a clean, fresh slate to live in. A clean fresh start to my "new year."
I started a new chapter and a new me one year ago today. It wasn't intentional, but just as life often does, it was kind of forced onto me, like tough love. I hated a lot of the changes at the time they were changing, but today I am thankful. I had another New Year in January when I moved back to Durango to give it a second chance. Durango has a reputation for either chewing and spitting you out, or embracing you with welcome arms. Lets just say my second time around has felt like one big bear hug. (And I'm a huge fan of bear hugs.)It's been a fantastic day today, and despite the hardships, a really a fantastic year. I'm damn proud of myself - for everything really. And for this I am celebrating.
Happy New Year (to me.)