When I was a little girl, I used to have this reoccurring dream. A nightmare really, because it was greatly disturbing. Most kids have nightmares about monsters, or creepy crawlies, but not me. Granted, I did have a dreadful fear of Corella Devil from 101 Dalmatians and her two sidekicks, Horace and Jasper. I used to think they waited outside my bedroom windows at night to get me. But as far as dreams go, this same one was unusual and always came back.
I dreamt that not just my body, but my being itself, was being processed into bottles, packages, containers, and boxes and i was not only in the dream but watching it as well. It wasn't gruesome. There was no blood, no cutting. But I distinctly remember the horrid feeling of me, being divided up and squished into these small spaces. I felt trapped, confined, pushed too far. I would wake up crying. Mom of course, would ask me to describe what happened, and no matter how many times I dreamt it, I could never put it into words. I think that's because it wasn't physically disturbing, but rather, the way it felt that rubbed me the wrong way.
I haven't had that dream since I was probably 12 years old. But I thought about it on my drive home from school today, because that's how I felt. And, i felt like crying.
This is me:
pushed
pulled
bored
broke$
at my fullest capacity
uncreative
dry
contained
reached the limit
tired
I have loved every moment of school. This has by far been the greatest experience of my life. But I've given all I have and feel like I have no more to give. I've been pushed into too many containers lately that I don't fit in and I have no room to breath. I know I'll snap out of it. I just need a break. Some space to piece myself back together. I never thought I'd say this but the open road ahead of me is calling my name. I already plan to put the computer away and not look at my pictures for a while. And dare I say I put away my camera? I think we all know that's not going to happen. It's like an extension of myself, and sometimes, the only thing that keeps me sane. :)
I really liked a quote a teacher read to us last week...
"the camera is an equal sign between you and what you are shooting."
-from book, "Eloquent Nude"
