against the glass.

When I was a little girl, I used to have this reoccurring dream. A nightmare really, because it was greatly disturbing. Most kids have nightmares about monsters, or creepy crawlies, but not me. Granted, I did have a dreadful fear of Corella Devil from 101 Dalmatians and her two sidekicks, Horace and Jasper. I used to think they waited outside my bedroom windows at night to get me. But as far as dreams go, this same one was unusual and always came back.

I dreamt that not just my body, but my being itself, was being processed into bottles, packages, containers, and boxes and i was not only in the dream but watching it as well. It wasn't gruesome. There was no blood, no cutting. But I distinctly remember the horrid feeling of me, being divided up and squished into these small spaces. I felt trapped, confined, pushed too far. I would wake up crying. Mom of course, would ask me to describe what happened, and no matter how many times I dreamt it, I could never put it into words. I think that's because it wasn't physically disturbing, but rather, the way it felt that rubbed me the wrong way.

I haven't had that dream since I was probably 12 years old. But I thought about it on my drive home from school today, because that's how I felt. And, i felt like crying.
This is me:

at my fullest capacity
reached the limit

I have loved every moment of school. This has by far been the greatest experience of my life. But I've given all I have and feel like I have no more to give. I've been pushed into too many containers lately that I don't fit in and I have no room to breath. I know I'll snap out of it. I just need a break. Some space to piece myself back together. I never thought I'd say this but the open road ahead of me is calling my name. I already plan to put the computer away and not look at my pictures for a while. And dare I say I put away my camera? I think we all know that's not going to happen. It's like an extension of myself, and sometimes, the only thing that keeps me sane. :)

I really liked a quote a teacher read to us last week...

"the camera is an equal sign between you and what you are shooting."
-from book, "Eloquent Nude"


  1. hang in there. you have so much creativity inside you, it's just waiting for a time when it can be real, and what YOU want it to be, and not forced. your pictures are art, and you are so talented...don't let the man get you down ;)

  2. Hailey you only have a little time left, you've done so well and pushed yourself everystep of the way to do your best, it's not surprising you feel like you do.

    On the other hand school is a big safety blanket at the moment which you have needed to wrap yourself in to do all your experimenting and growing.

    After school is both scary and exciting, scary in that you have to do it by yourself, exciting in that your talent and work start to speak for you, and you have the freedom to do it your way.

    Enjoy each day for what it brings and don't worry too much about the future, you'll be fine.

  3. wow, thanks to both of you. I needed that. I'm so glad that even though we RMSPers are so far away from each other, we can still be there for one another as if we're sitting on the couch having tea.
    I'm already having a better day than the one before :)

  4. Hailey,
    I'm there with you. My impression of my irritation is that learning has stopped and now I'm just grinding out work against someone else's demands. Show me something new and exciting and I'll perk up, but I really don't see it coming my way over the next week or so.

    Don't hide yourself away from yourself or let any containers constrain you. Push back with your creativity and make art out of your feelings. Keep pushing the shutter - it's theraputic.