Boo.

So, I found this photo from Halloween last year and just couldn't help myself. 

This is the first year I'm not handing out candy, dressing up, or having some kind of shindig. It's a little weird, but that's okay! There will be plenty more. I hope everyone has an amazing Halloween!

:)

the space between.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about home lately. I'm not really sure where that is. And maybe that's okay. Miles of road behind me. Crunching snow beneath my feet. A travel toothbrush and a million thoughts. Everything's quite forlorn, and I'm pretty quiet. And maybe that's okay. I feel a little strange. My insides are a little unsettled, and so is my life. My body is still weak and my head a little foggy from having the flu. Everyday I wake up hoping to feel more like myself, but it hasn't happened yet. I don't think it will for a long time. And, maybe that's okay.

5 months ago I had never been more excited to leave Oklahoma and get a taste of something else. I still crave that "something else" but oddly enough have never been more excited to see my home state again. I think because everything's so scattered, maybe it's the familiarity I yearn for. After all, it's all I've ever known. And it will still feel somewhat scattered. I won't have my own place anymore. I gave that up. And some of my best friends have moved, which is a shame. And my stuff will need to remain boxed up for a while I'm sure, while I figure out what to do with it, and myself. But what is "stuff" anyway? I've learned all I really need is my camera. In a nut shell. I see a glimpse of home when i look through it, no matter where I'm at. And maybe, that alone is okay.

Home feels like:

my mom:

• her chocolate cake
• hugs
• advise
• late night nachos
• her listening ear and soft shoulder
• goofiness
• movie buddy
• homemade southern cookin'
  

my dog:

• unconditional love
• soft fluffy white fur
• wet nose
• brownie brown eyes
• walks
• couch cuddler
• funny quarks

my best friend, Sheri:

• football buddy
• beer buddy
• best advise
• clothes sharing
• someone who really knows me
• constant silliness
• confidant

other randoms:

• pumpkin ice cream at Braums
• familiar faces
• endless sunsets
• OU football
• Missoula
• my camera
• my EFers

sunset.

I started thinking about my departure from Missoula a long time ago. I remember being on the phone with my mom and telling her that it upset me that this moment in my life would never be the same again. Missoula will always be here. I can visit, come for a vacation, maybe even move there someday. But, the people I met this summer won't all be there. Not all of them. And when I see everyone again someday, it will be in spurts, and our lives will all be so different. We won't ever have that deer in the headlights looks in our eyes where we were scared and didn't know anything. It will be exciting still, for other reasons... but those pure moments that were this summer, they are a beautiful memory to be saved in time just as they were left. They are perfect blissful moments, just as they are. And I will cherish those moments, and all of you who blessed them dearly, forever.

In reply to my comment, my mom replied, "Yeah, but Hailey, it's just like a sunset. No sunset is ever, ever the same... but it's always beautiful."

Thanks, Missoula, for all the amazing sunsets.

a lot unsaid, unspoken.

over.

I remember when I graduated high school being so annoyed with all the questions.

"What are you going to do now?"

"What college are you going to?"

"What are you going to major in?"

It wasn't that it was just repetitive, but that I wasn't going to college. My plans and dreams never fit into a mold pre-created by society, and especially what was expected from the people in my home town of Oklahoma. I never had the typical answers they wanted to hear. The looks on their faces when I replied, "I'm not going to college," were always predictable. Coming from a straight-A, band nerd extraordinaire who always took the advanced classes,... I guess it did sound kind of weird.

I talked about going to massage therapy school, or a school that specialized in photography. I dabbled in the idea of art therapy for a while too. I looked all over the country. I wanted to get out of Oklahoma finally, do something liberating, and brave. I hated the idea of a four year college. Quite frankly I was sick and tired of high school. But instead I worked meaningless jobs that had nothing to do with who I was. However,

looking back, I wouldn't change any of it. If I hadn't waited 4 years to finally go to RMSP, then I wouldn't have met all of my new wonderful family that I have now. You all know who you are. :)

I graduated Friday. I've never slept so little, learned so much, and loved my life more than I have in the last 5 months. And every second of it was worth it. It hasn't really hit me yet that it's over. I keep thinking tomorrow morning I will snooze too long, get ready in a hurry, try and find a free place to park, and be late to class, yet again, a little after 9am. I cried a little at graduation, but not as much as I expected to.

I'm usually a major sap. I think it will hit me when my car is loaded and I'm driving away.

In the mean time, I wanted to share my last school assignment with you. Our main focus during AI (Advanced Intensive) was to prepare a body of work for a portfolio review the day before graduation. Along with my prints, I also printed these 4"x4" cards to leave behind with the reviewers and peers who saw my work.

front:

back:

I wished I'd printed more. I'm going to really miss not printing everything myself. Just another thing to add to my photographer's wish list :)

I decided to do triptychs and diptychs of sorts for my photographs because I felt like the two kinds of photographs (people and details) are who I am and how I photograph. I'm known for capturing little unnoticed details so I wanted to find a way to marry the two. Looking back I wouldn't of done this. The reviewers got stuck talking about the pairings and not looking at my style or my photographs. Overall, I had great feedback though. I think the thing I gained the most from it was just exposure. If you're a

photographer, you need to print your work and show people. Don't make it live inside your computer forever. Click on the images to see them larger.

I'm sure there will be more to come on this experience and my last days in Missoula. In the mean time I'm going to go crawl back in bed because I got a nasty cold the night of graduation and can't shake it off. I'm just lucky I stayed healthy all the way through school. At least now that it's over I actually have time to rest. Hope everyone had a great weekend. And to all of you who are driving out of Missoula and heading home,I wish you safe and happy travels. Leave me a comment. I love hearing from you all.

Claire Bear.

I've said it before, and I'm going to say it a million more times...

I have the most amazing, beautiful friends.

Thanks Claire, for letting me have the privilege.

I'm going to miss you.

check out Claire's photography at:

www.clairemreitz.com

it's amazing.

against the glass.

When I was a little girl, I used to have this reoccurring dream. A nightmare really, because it was greatly disturbing. Most kids have nightmares about monsters, or creepy crawlies, but not me. Granted, I did have a dreadful fear of Corella Devil from 101 Dalmatians and her two sidekicks, Horace and Jasper. I used to think they waited outside my bedroom windows at night to get me. But as far as dreams go, this same one was unusual and always came back.

I dreamt that not just my body, but my being itself, was being processed into bottles, packages, containers, and boxes and i was not only in the dream but watching it as well. It wasn't gruesome. There was no blood, no cutting. But I distinctly remember the horrid feeling of me, being divided up and squished into these small spaces. I felt trapped, confined, pushed too far. I would wake up crying. Mom of course, would ask me to describe what happened, and no matter how many times I dreamt it, I could never put it into words. I think that's because it wasn't physically disturbing, but rather, the way it felt that rubbed me the wrong way.

I haven't had that dream since I was probably 12 years old. But I thought about it on my drive home from school today, because that's how I felt. And, i felt like crying.

This is me:

pushed

pulled

bored

broke$

at my fullest capacity

uncreative

dry

contained

reached the limit

tired

I have loved every moment of school. This has by far been the greatest experience of my life. But I've given all I have and feel like I have no more to give. I've been pushed into too many containers lately that I don't fit in and I have no room to breath. I know I'll snap out of it. I just need a break. Some space to piece myself back together. I never thought I'd say this but the open road ahead of me is calling my name. I already plan to put the computer away and not look at my pictures for a while. And dare I say I put away my camera? I think we all know that's not going to happen. It's like an extension of myself, and sometimes, the only thing that keeps me sane. :)

I really liked a quote a teacher read to us last week...

"the camera is an equal sign between you and what you are shooting."

-from book, "Eloquent Nude"

fetish.

party feet.

Yay for late night blogging! Alright, so I'll cut to the chase and just tell you,
I love feet.

I've been preparing a portfolio for a portfolio review at school and so a couple weeks ago I went though all of my pictures from the summer (and before), just to try and figure out what I was going to turn in. I knew that I took a lot of pictures of feet, but holy cow. It hadn't dawned on me just how much I really did this. Contrary to what you're thinking, no, I'm not doing my portfolio on feet. However, I found it amusing, funny, weird (insert your own opinion here) and thought it would be fun to show everyone the feet of my summer. :)

field help feet.

dancin' shoes.

sweet feet.

cloud 9.

playful.

street.

farmers market.

flower child.

these boots are made for walking.

after the ride.

strapped.

cowboys.

cowgirls.

shoes to fill.

spurs.

wait.

between the lines.

chit chat.

give the dog a bone.

watch.

sundance.

chill out.

barefoot in the garden.

rasberry summer.

for Chad.

a day in the park.

hangin' out.

bliss.

walk home.

found.

waiting.

skipping for joy.

push comes to shove.

a little moment.

basking.

being.

cool feet.

scottish jig.

to be with you.

double dip.

read for my closeup.

she tugs. she pulls.

salty.

hanky panky.

the reason.

complete.

all tangled up in you.

rock and roll baby.

the bestie.